Moving back to school has been bittersweet for me.
I had a really great summer. Over the past few months I have seen God in many places and situations that I didn't expect to experience. He has blessed me with an amazing church family in my hometown, an overseas experience, and many beautiful relationships. Because of that, admittedly, it was hard to move back to school and leave all of it behind for a while.
For those of you who don't know, I live in St. Petersburg for college. St. Pete is home for me in a sense – I was saved here last fall and an amazing church family is here - but coming back was harder than I expected. I would be starting at a new campus with a new major. It seemed like I was leaving behind all the stories and blessings of the summer to jump right into a new season of life, that I wasn't quite ready for. I was anxious to say the least.
Through my anxiety, God has shown me a lot in the past week or so.
Last week was rough. Everyone has had a bad day – where everything seems to go wrong and life is just harder than usual. My week was pretty much like that, but I couldn't just go to bed and it would end. To spare you the details, I was overwhelmed, stressed, felt completely out of control and, honestly, just plain sad. At the end of the week, I finally broke down while driving home late from work. My favorite worship song came on & that was it. God had clearly been in all the blessings of my life, but where was He now? Why was a suddenly feeling so alone and out of control?
My head instantly jumped back to a time of daily anxiety attacks, depression and darkness. I had experienced that for so long, and never wanted to go back. One of the most beautiful aspects of my testimony is that He delivered me from that, by showing me His grace and love. If that was true, why was I feeling like this now?
In that moment, I realized He was still just as near as He's always been. He was working and still had the same plan for me that He's had all along. He just wants me to consistently trust in it, and not on my own plans or power. It's something that friends tell you when you're worried or stressed, but it was different to receive it at a time like this. Alone, in the dark, and with the radio still playing, it felt like He was right there in my passenger seat. He was offering comfort, reminding me of His promises, & urging me to continue singing my favorite song.
Sometimes it's so easy for me to get so caught up in situational worries, that I forget that He is unchanging and His love is unconditional. He has been tempted in every way, sympathizes with my pain, and offers so much more. He wants to take away my anxieties, all I have to do is ask and trust that He will. Most of the time that is much easier said than done, especially for me, but I'm learning each day.
You may be fighting a battle, but He has already won the war.